So, you want to fail at
dating? Good choice. This should be fun. Lets hit the ground running. First of all, you are going to need to
get a Spiderman tattoo on your face immediately. If you have reservations, drink copious amounts of alcohol
and then decide – you will be thinking more clearly while shitfaced. After this, refrain from eating fruits
and vegetables and go straight into fried chicken and foods heavy with
carbohydrates. Remember, you must
get the Spiderman tattoo on your face before the gorging process to maximize
the stretching. Once the tattoo is
unrecognizable you will also be free from possible copyright infringements – a
major plus. With your many new
double chins and morphed tattoo face, you will have obtained the “what the fuck
is that?” aura we are going for.
Once you have the face tattoo and are 400 pounds heavier, we
can move on to phase two. (You
should be tired and out of breath from reading that last sentence. If not, keep eating.) Now, we are ready to try some online
dating. Find the sleaziest,
definitely free website you can.
Create a profile page and lie about everything you are. Do not use a picture of yourself. A picture of a model will suffice. You will want your profile to paint the
picture that you are extremely rich and good-looking, both of which you are
probably not if you are reading this.
When the inevitable creepers begin to message you, set up dates with all
of them at the same time. This
will create a “fucked up” situation that will be funny.
It is important to set these dates up at obscure locations
that might result in more “fucked up” situations. A few examples would be: Mexico, a parking lot, a strangers
home that neither of you are associated with, or simply in a haunted
forest. Note: Haunted forests are
endangered and might be hard to locate.
After all of the dates have been set up, you will have to decide which
date you want to go on. Think long
and hard. When the decision has been made, relax with a smooth cup of vegetable
oil.
When the big day comes, you will most likely be
nervous. This is normal – you have
a big fucking Spiderman tattoo on your face. It is vital that you try to become severely ill before the
date. If you live in a big city,
try going to the subway and licking the trains handlebars. If you live in the suburbs, drink out
of a dirty pond. You will want to
also eat a lot of beans and cheese before this date. Finally, take a laxative shortly before the date begins.
So now you have started the date. Your date at this point will surely be scared to death. Assure the person that you are normal
and not a psycho. Be sure to mention
that you have no money. If
possible, shit your pants while staring into the other person’s eyes. Remember to scream, “you did this to
me!” when the person gets up to leave.
At this point, there will be a lot of people gawking at you. Politely tell them that this is all
make believe and exit the restaurant.
On your way home simply get the tattoo removed and quickly
lose the 400 pounds. Just like
that, you are back to normal. Simple,
I know. You have now failed at
dating.
Congrats!
